When I first got the kids, the two little ones obviously needed mothering and wanted it. The two year old kept asking, "Are you my grandma or my mommy?" and I would answer him that I was his grandma, but I was going to be taking care of him like a mommy. After awhile the 4 year old began asking me if he could call me mommy, and I told him I thought it would make his mother feel sad if he called me mommy, but I was his grandma and would always be his grandma. They both act like I'm a mother to them, and basically seem to be getting along pretty well.
The older three pretty much make it clear that they consider staying with us temporary, and that we are the grandparents, not parent substitutes.
Last night the 9 year old came in with some papers for me to sign. I guess I was supposed to be signing these papers for him to take back every Monday, but I didn't know I was. Under the line for the signature was the word "parent". The 9 year old said, "Well, I kept forgetting to take these to my mom and dad, and you aren't my parent, but my teacher said to have you sign them anyway." I don't know if I said the right thing, but the caseworker has repeatedly told me that the kids need to be told how it is, so they know their parents have consequences to their actions. So I said, "Well, right now the court has taken away your parents' parental rights and they have given them to me, so even though I am your grandma, I am your legal mom, and I am the one who is supposed to sign the papers." The 9 year old gave me a shocked look when I said that, but didn't say any thing. I signed the papers.
A few weeks ago the 11 year old had school pictures. We filled out the order for them, and put the money in the envelope, and soon it was picture day. I told her she needed to hurry that day so she'd have plenty of time to have her hair done for pictures, intending to use the curling iron on her. When she came upstairs before leaving for school, she had her hair in two pigtails. She has been growing her bangs out, and she had them pinned back with 2 decorative bobby pins. I don't know if the dismay I felt showed on my face or not, but I have been told I have an expressive face, so I am sure it did. I carefully said, "Is that how you want your hair for your pictures today?" hoping she'd tell me she'd forgotten it was picture day, but she answered with a flash in her eye and a tone in her voice, "YES."
And I know my daughters will think I should have forced her to re-do her hair, but I didn't. I just said, "Okay," knowing that her pictures were going to look awful. She brought them home yesterday, and they do. Her face looks beautiful, but her hair is going to be a permanent record that this was the year she didn't have a mother. I think I will feel a pang every time I look at that picture.
And it makes me wonder about the scars they have inside from going nearly a year without their parents.
posted by Inklings @ 7:57 AM
7 Comments:
Sad. Does she like her pictures?
Yeah, does she like her pictures? As long as she likes them, she'll probably look back at them and laugh. I feel bad for Mike & Hannah's kids. I wish they would wake up and realize what they're doing and strive to fix it before it's too late.
*L*
She put the pictures on the counter when I wasn't there. I just found them there later on. I didn't ask her if she liked them. I am leaving them in the pkg. until we get all the kids' pictures back...it is just her school that has done pictures so far, though. Her parents never had the 3 younger kids' pictures taken at school pictures.
Sometimes the schools have"retake" day when the kids can have their picture retaken. You may have to pay again though. As for scars - imagine how many they would have if they were still with their parents. You are helping them heal their scars.
I bet that if she was living with her real mother, her hair would have looked worse. I saw her when she lived with her mother. She was never clean, and her hair wasn't well kept. I think you did the right thing in letting her choose. Frankly, although it may not be the most attractive, I think it is a good portrait of who she is at this time in her life. For what it's worth, my 11 year old school picture is much the same. I had my hair in pigtails too. :)
It's the only time I have see her wear pigtails since she has moved in with us.
I agree I think you did the right thing letting her pick - I think she's at that age where as long as she isn't dressed inappropriately she should mostly decide for herself - I sadly had a horrid side ponytail in my 5th grade picture, but I'm sure I thought it looked cool back then LOL - as for the rest of the kids, I think they'll come around eventually, maybe they're just guarding their little hearts because they haven't been anywhere stable most of their lives and aren't sure whether to trust it yet
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